Let me tell you how great I am.
My greatness cannot be measured in degrees, for greatness is an unquantifiable phenomena that few people ever really possess. Alexander had greatness. Einstein had greatness. Elvis had greatness. And I have greatness. That’s only four people in the whole history of the world. Impressed? You should be.
But I am singularly great because, unlike the three people I’ve just mentioned, I have battled true adversity to get where I am today. And it hasn’t been easy. I realize this is a frightening concept, but there was a time when there were no Skulduggery Pleasant books on the bookshelves. Imagine, for a moment, what that world was like. The streets were cold and grey. People hurried to work, to school, hunched over, collars up against the cruel winds. There was no joy. There was no laughter. There was no excitement, nor splendour, nor witty banter. It was a dark time. It was a drab time. The year was 2006.
And then 2007 came, and with it, Skulduggery, and there was much rejoicing (“yayy”) and verily, did I improve this world upon which I stood. I’ve been rewarded for my efforts, both metaphysically and spiritually, but mostly financially, which is one of the nicest ways to be rewarded. Aside from the material goods I’ve collected, I have, in no particular order of preference, also collected one wonderful German Shepherd, three slinky little cats, two gurgling nieces, and a pair of geriatric Bull Terriers. I’ve been given awards, I’ve visited other countries, I’ve made friends, I’ve been able to give up the other friends that I never really liked in the first place, and I’m nominated for things like the Best Irish Book of the Decade.
Forty-nine other books, and Skulduggery. In order to whittle down those fifty books to a more manageable ten, people can vote online, at http://www.irishbookawards.ie/PublicVote.aspx. As you can see, Skulduggery is up against some pretty impressive people. People like Eoin Colfer, Kate Thompson and John Boyne. But this isn’t an award for Children’s Books- oh no. This is EVERYTHING. And so there are folk like Banville and Enright and McGahern, not to mention John Connelly and Cecelia Ahern. Once those final ten books are selected, it’s up to a panel of judges to decide which is the best.
Purely out of curiosity, just to test the sheer power of my Munchkin Army, I would like each of you to take a look at the list, and vote for your favourite book. Even though you and I know that Skulduggery is quite simply the best thing to happen to pages since pages were invented, we must accept that there is no way on earth a book for younger readers will ever win this award.
But my God, it’ll be funny as hell if it gets into the last ten.
Arise, my Munchkins, my Ninja Leprechauns, and strike!